Express Yourself

Posted on 11. Feb, 2012 by Benji in Addiction Recovery Journey

On occasion, I get a little disappointed with myself, not for why you might think though. I feel disappointment in an action or reaction that I’ll make and it reminds me of how I used to be, even more disappointing, it reminds Gretchen.

They’re hard lessons but they’re just that, “lessons.” I’m grateful that Gretchen calls me on them, I’m sure she doesn’t call me on them all though. I may not always act grateful right away, but I am very grateful, and I know that what she is doing is helping me to see what I always can’t see for myself. Believe me, it bothers me when it happens, it bothers me more that Gretchen has to see it, hear it or go through it, I’m quite certain she’s been through enough.

Expressing myself is so very important, I know the same goes for everyone. Expressing my feelings and emotions as they actually are and as they happen is so important. The moment I hesitate to express myself openly and honestly is the same moment when I start moving backwards. My forward progress will decrease and my internal pressure will begin to build and eventually explode. The pressure of buried emotion, feelings, and of buried living, will begin to fester, along with that builds unnecessary relationship pressure and tension. All of that just from not expressing myself openly and honestly, sounds a little heavy doesn’t it? That’s because it is, It’s just that ‘HEAVY,” it’s a giant pile of shit to carry around that continues to build, if you allow it to, and I DID, for a long time.

My experience has showed me, taught me and continues to teach me,  that by not expressing myself properly; I was actually generating more pain and more fear in my life and everyone else’s. I was creating more distance between myself, Gretchen, my family, friends, work, my pets, LIFE, everything. I used to think it was easier to stay shut up and locked up and keep everything to myself, and by doing so I would not affect anyone else. I thought I was being strong by keeping everything inside, by not allowing anything to surface the only thing that came out was anger. I also didn’t know how to express myself, I had no clue. The distance that I was building between myself, everyone and everything continued to grow along with the fear, pain and anger.

The growing distance from everything gave me the illusion of safety and protecting others, the fear kept growing and kept me moving away, in hopes of escaping the fear, the pain grew the further away I got from my life and myself, my anger built up so much inside that I hated everything, the “fuse” grew shorter and shorter. My anger was not of the physical kind, I would never physically harm anyone, regardless of how high or angry I might have been. I would cause some serious harm to a wall or throw whatever tool I had nearby; I once ripped the door off of a full sized van, yes, I really did, “not one of my finer moments.” I did fix the door though.

Patience did not exist; understanding seemed impossible, honesty was out of the question; forgiveness would never happen, willingness was weakness. I was trying to selectively numb out the emotions that I was afraid of and/or didn’t understand. By doing so, I numbed out all emotions both good and bad. My emotional anesthetics became cocaine and alcohol. It’s hard to express your feelings and emotions when you’re numb; it’s hard to be yourself when you don’t know who you are and you’re afraid to find out.

Strength is not keeping everything inside and keeping everyone and everything away. Strength is expressing your every feeling and every emotion. Strength is crying when you’re sad and crying when you’re happy. Strength is accepting help and it’s asking for help, strength is laughing so hard that you cry. Strength is not afraid of finding out who you are and being just that, YOU. Strength is not worrying about being perfect, it’s learning, growing, sharing, changing and embracing what you have and what comes your way, all of it. Being your authentic self, being real, true and PRESENT, that’s strength.

“I’m no longer afraid, I’m alive.”

Expressing myself doesn’t just benefit me; it benefits those around me, near and far. Stop hiding behind the mask and EXPRESS YOURSELF.

Like Madonna said, “Express Yourself so you can Respect Yourself.”

The Reward is in the Journey

Stay Strong’ Great Choices,

Benji

Technorati Tags: alcohol, anger, cocaine, emotion, feeling, progress

Tags: alcohol, anger, cocaine, emotion, feeling, progress